This was supposed to be my wedding dress.
I bought it soon after I got engaged last year and I was excited to wear it eloping to the love of my life. I was promised the elopement I always dreamed of in the smoky mountains and the happy ending everyone wishes for. I was promised a beautiful future family, and a spouse that would never leave my side…
I prepared my heart, my mind, and my soul to become one with the person I thought would be my future husband.
I found out shortly after that everything had been a lie. The ring was fake, the elopement was never planned, the engagement was a secret, and the future I had dreamed of started crumbling apart in front of my eyes.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
My heart broke, my mind exploded, and my whole world felt like it was caving in…No, this can’t be happening. We are supposed to be forever. This can’t be real…
I couldn’t accept the truth that was in front of my eyes… so I took things into my own hands. I had to make it be the way it was supposed to be. I apologized for everything and found a way to blame myself for everything. I got controlling because I felt like I had to be in order to get things back to how they were supposed to be. I got us counseling, I found us groups, I moved, I planned trips to try to reconnect, I started a business for him so he would have money for a ring, I found him a job so he would have a reason to stay after the season and not leave me again…I did everything I could to try to bring life into a dead relationship…
But it wasn’t working. The lies kept coming, the fights kept happening….
But maybe if I just keep working harder, eventually things will work out like they are suppose to…
Fast forward… We buy a real ring… ok the work is finally paying off. Finally, I will get the happy ending I was promised… but the engagement never came, but more lies did…
No, no, no this can’t be happening again. Make it stop. Please. It hurts. My insides are breaking.
I can’t do this again.
Ok Alex, you just need to work harder. You’ve given so much at this point, you can’t give up now. Just burry the pain, fake a smile, and hold on. He’s been telling you for months now you’re going to get engaged again. I’m sure he means it this time…
More lies. Trauma triggered. Sobbing and shaking in the closet. Looking in the mirror not recognizing who I see. Hollow eyes. Heart full of pain. Broken dreams.
I held on for over a year waiting for things to eventually turn out the way I thought they were supposed to. I made myself sick trying to make something work that just wasn’t supposed to work. I started hating who I was becoming… a mean, cynical, and bitter person. I didn’t feel funny anymore. I never laughed. I felt hopeless and jaded. I didn’t feel positive about life. I felt like everyone was against me. I was in survival mode 24/7. I couldn’t be by myself. I was angry and upset all the time. I missed the person I used to be. I had no self esteem, and I felt like a crazy person more days than not. Who would ever want me?
Well, the relationship finally came to an end in December when I finally got the courage to tell him I was tired of the empty promises, and if he didn’t mean them, then to just end things. I was terrified. I didn’t want to lose what I had worked so hard for. I didn’t want to lose what I thought was supposed to happen.
“I can’t commit”…
I stared in devastation as that text came in. I immediately felt my mind spinning. It was finally actually over… after all of the sleepless nights of fighting, and threats of breaking up… this was actually coming to an end. There was no more hope, and no more of me trying to force this to work. He didn’t want me.
The next few days felt like a blur… I couldn’t believe that someone I gave my everything to could so easily just wipe his hands and walk away from everything.
Did I even mean anything to you?
But after a few days of shock and crying, I started to feel something else creeping up.
Hello confidence.
I started feeling less anxious as I realized I no longer had to wonder what I was being lied to about. I started feeling more confident as I began to feel less codependent, and embraced the independent, single woman life. I started feeling funny again, and I started to laugh again.
You know what… I’m not crazy. Crazy awesome, maybe. But crazy… no.
I took the flight credit from our cancelled couples trip and booked a solo trip to the Virgin Islands. I can do this.
I kept getting my strength back. I took up new hobbies, and I made it my goal to say yes to life. I met awesome people, and embraced everything I could. I poured myself into my job, and the people around me… Everyday, getting stronger.
Fast forward… solo trip. I was nervous but determined to take back my independence, and damn, did I ever. I adventured everywhere, took myself out to dinner, snorkeled with sea turtles, had icecream dates with myself, tanned on gorgeous beaches, kayaked across the ocean, wore fancy earrings and cute outfits, hiked cool places, and met so many amazingly wonderful people. And I felt like a mother trucker rockstar. Heck yea, this is the Alex I missed. She’s freaking cool.
But back to the dress…
This dress has stayed in my closet for almost a year as a painful reminder of what was supposed to be, and it triggered memories of empty promises, broken trust, and the dreams that never happened…
Until now.
I decided I wanted to redeem this dress and make it into something beautiful, so I packed it in my suit case and booked a photo shoot for myself. And it was a freaking blast. I danced and laughed on the mountaintops and felt completely and wholly content, happy, free, and at peace. It was beautiful.
I’ve realized that when we hold onto what we think things are supposed to be, we may miss a lot in life. We may end up holding onto things that the Lord wants us to surrender because we are white knuckling the situation, afraid to let it go to God. But we can trust God to work things out the way they are supposed to be, according to His good and perfect plan. (Which is always better than ours)
This dress never was supposed to walk down the aisle, but it was supposed to frolic on mountain tops. It wasn’t supposed to be worn to say vows to someone else, but it was supposed to be worn when I vowed to myself that I would never again allow myself to be treated any less than the treasure I am. It wasn’t supposed to be the dress I wore when I committed my life to someone else, but it was supposed to be the dress I wore when I committed to completely surrender my whole life to the Lord, regardless of where He leads me.
My happy ending didn’t come from walking down the aisle saying “I do” to someone but it came from saying “heck yes” to life, and love, and adventure.
I know I still have a road of healing ahead of me, and some trauma to work through, but I see light at the end of the tunnel now, and it is exciting and beautiful and hopeful. I am beginning to like who I am again. I am seeing life as beautiful. I am starting to see people as good and lovely again. And I am starting to see myself as worthy again.
And now, when I see this dress in my closet, it will be a reminder that the Lord can redeem even the most broken of things, and can make beauty from ashes. It will also be a reminder that I’m pretty dang cool too.
Life is a beautiful journey, and I am so thankful for the Lord delivering me from the situation I was stuck in. He is our good father, who loves us more than we can imagine. He’s got a plan for our lives, and man, is it beautiful! You can truly trust Him with everything.
So, thank the Lord for things now working out the way we think they are supposed to. ❤️
◦
Alex's Thoughts 