Broken Dreams, Beautiful Redemption

This was supposed to be my wedding dress. 

I bought it soon after I got engaged last year and I was excited to wear it eloping to the love of my life. I was promised the elopement I always dreamed of in the smoky mountains and the happy ending everyone wishes for. I was promised a beautiful future family, and a spouse that would never leave my side… 

I prepared my heart, my mind, and my soul to become one with the person I thought would be my future husband. 

I found out shortly after that everything had been a lie. The ring was fake, the elopement was never planned, the engagement was a secret, and the future I had dreamed of started crumbling apart in front of my eyes. 

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. 

My heart broke, my mind exploded, and my whole world felt like it was caving in…No, this can’t be happening. We are supposed to be forever. This can’t be real… 

I couldn’t accept the truth that was in front of my eyes… so I took things into my own hands. I had to make it be the way it was supposed to be. I apologized for everything and found a way to blame myself for everything. I got controlling because I felt like I had to be in order to get things back to how they were supposed to be. I got us counseling, I found us groups, I moved, I planned trips to try to reconnect, I started a business for him so he would have money for a ring, I found him a job so he would have a reason to stay after the season and not leave me again…I did everything I could to try to bring life into a dead relationship…

But it wasn’t working. The lies kept coming, the fights kept happening….

But maybe if I just keep working harder, eventually things will work out like they are suppose to…

Fast forward… We buy a real ring… ok the work is finally paying off. Finally, I will get the happy ending I was promised… but the engagement never came, but more lies did…

No, no, no this can’t be happening again. Make it stop. Please. It hurts. My insides are breaking. 

I can’t do this again.

Ok Alex, you just need to work harder. You’ve given so much at this point, you can’t give up now. Just burry the pain, fake a smile, and hold on. He’s been telling you for months now you’re going to get engaged again. I’m sure he means it this time…

More lies. Trauma triggered. Sobbing and shaking in the closet. Looking in the mirror not recognizing who I see. Hollow eyes. Heart full of pain. Broken dreams. 

I held on for over a year waiting for things to eventually turn out the way I thought they were supposed to. I made myself sick trying to make something work that just wasn’t supposed to work. I started hating who I was becoming… a mean, cynical, and bitter person. I didn’t feel funny anymore. I never laughed. I felt hopeless and jaded. I didn’t feel positive about life. I felt like everyone was against me. I was in survival mode 24/7. I couldn’t be by myself. I was angry and upset all the time. I missed the person I used to be. I had no self esteem, and I felt like a crazy person more days than not. Who would ever want me? 

Well, the relationship finally came to an end in December when I finally got the courage to tell him I was tired of the empty promises, and if he didn’t mean them, then to just end things. I was terrified. I didn’t want to lose what I had worked so hard for. I didn’t want to lose what I thought was supposed to happen. 

“I can’t commit”…

I stared in devastation as that text came in. I immediately felt my mind spinning. It was finally actually over… after all of the sleepless nights of fighting, and threats of breaking up… this was actually coming to an end. There was no more hope, and no more of me trying to force this to work. He didn’t want me.

The next few days felt like a blur… I couldn’t believe that someone I gave my everything to could so easily just wipe his hands and walk away from everything. 

Did I even mean anything to you? 

But after a few days of shock and crying, I started to feel something else creeping up. 

Hello confidence. 

I started feeling less anxious as I realized I no longer had to wonder what I was being lied to about. I started feeling more confident as I began to feel less codependent, and embraced the independent, single woman life. I started feeling funny again, and I started to laugh again. 

You know what… I’m not crazy. Crazy awesome, maybe. But crazy… no. 

I took the flight credit from our cancelled couples trip and booked a solo trip to the Virgin Islands. I can do this. 

I kept getting my strength back. I took up new hobbies, and I made it my goal to say yes to life. I met awesome people, and embraced everything I could. I poured myself into my job, and the people around me… Everyday, getting stronger. 

Fast forward… solo trip. I was nervous but determined to take back my independence, and damn, did I ever. I adventured everywhere, took myself out to dinner, snorkeled with sea turtles, had icecream dates with myself, tanned on gorgeous beaches, kayaked across the ocean, wore fancy earrings and cute outfits, hiked cool places, and met so many amazingly wonderful people. And I felt like a mother trucker rockstar. Heck yea, this is the Alex I missed. She’s freaking cool. 

But back to the dress…

This dress has stayed in my closet for almost a year as a painful reminder of what was supposed to be, and it triggered memories of empty promises, broken trust, and the dreams that never happened…

Until now. 

I decided I wanted to redeem this dress and make it into something beautiful, so I packed it in my suit case and booked a photo shoot for myself. And it was a freaking blast. I danced and laughed on the mountaintops and felt completely and wholly content, happy, free, and at peace. It was beautiful. 

I’ve realized that when we hold onto what we think things are supposed to be, we may miss a lot in life. We may end up holding onto things that the Lord wants us to surrender because we are white knuckling the situation, afraid to let it go to God. But we can trust God to work things out the way they are supposed to be, according to His good and perfect plan. (Which is always better than ours) 

This dress never was supposed to walk down the aisle, but it was supposed to frolic on mountain tops. It wasn’t supposed to be worn to say vows to someone else, but it was supposed to be worn when I vowed to myself that I would never again allow myself to be treated any less than the treasure I am. It wasn’t supposed to be the dress I wore when I  committed my life to someone else, but it was supposed to be the dress I wore when I committed to completely surrender my whole life to the Lord, regardless of where He leads me. 

My happy ending didn’t come from walking down the aisle saying “I do” to someone but it came from saying “heck yes” to life, and love, and adventure. 

I know I still have a road of healing ahead of me, and some trauma to work through, but I see light at the end of the tunnel now, and it is exciting and beautiful and hopeful. I am beginning to like who I am again. I am seeing life as beautiful. I am starting to see people as good and lovely again. And I am starting to see myself as worthy again.

And now, when I see this dress in my closet, it will be a reminder that the Lord can redeem even the most broken of things, and can make beauty from ashes. It will also be a reminder that I’m pretty dang cool too. 

Life is a beautiful journey, and I am so thankful for the Lord delivering me from the situation I was stuck in. He is our good father, who loves us more than we can imagine. He’s got a plan for our lives, and man, is it beautiful! You can truly trust Him with everything. 

So, thank the Lord for things now working out the way we think they are supposed to. ❤️

◦

My Heart Will Sing Your Praise Again

If you are an Elevation Worship music fan, you are probably singing the lyrics to the song, “Do it again” after reading my title. This song is about believing that God will come through even when it doesn’t look like He is working, and choosing to continue to believe in the promises of God even when life is a mess. The Lord has used this song to in my life and in my heart the past couple of months, and it has brought me so much joy and freedom.

Walking around these walls, I thought by now they’d fall…

Do you ever go through trials in life and think, “surely this rough patch has got to end soon,”? You know those trials that seem to last forever, and just when you think it’s almost over, ten more trials get thrown your way.

That has been what my life has felt like the past couple of months. Without sharing every detail of my life, I will just say that there has been a tremendous amount of pain and loss. From losing family members, to families falling apart, to lost relationships… life has been tough the past couple of months to say the least.

It is a hard thing to walk through life with a hurting heart. Life is hard enough, but when you’re struggling, it feels like you’re being asked to go throughout your day with a one million pound backpack full of hurt, pain, and sorrow on your back. It’s mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting.

Around the beginning of March, I found myself completely empty and drained. I couldn’t stop crying, and I felt hopeless. Worst of all, I stopped talking to God. I felt disappointed, angry, and hurt. I couldn’t understand how a good God who loved me could allow so many hard things to be happening and I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Him. I guess part of it was because I was angry at Him, and part of it was I knew how much it was going to hurt if I truly let my heart be vulnerable before God. It felt like I was keeping all the pain in, locked behind barricades in my heart, and I was terrified of letting that barricade open. And so, for months, those barricades stayed closed, and my relationship with God became very distant.

I felt alone. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do.

I’m still in your hands

A particularly bad day at the beginning of March found me the most hopeless, devastated, and hurt I had been in probably ten years. I had been running on empty for months and I just felt completely drained. I didn’t even have it in me to pretend to have it together anymore. Thankfully the Lord was at work in my weakness, and was using all of my hurt and emptiness to bring me back to Him. (Isn’t it crazy how God is always working even when it seems like He has forgotten about you)

That night, one of my awesome, Jesus-loving friends invited me to a midweek church service with her. Everything in me tried to find an excuse not to go, but thankfully I got my butt there and was lovingly wrecked by the Lord.

My heart will sing your praise again

As worship started, I felt tears welling up behind my eyes, but I managed to keep those tears down. But as the last song on the worship playlist started, I heard those beginning beats to the song “Do it again,” and I couldn’t stop a couple of tears from falling.

I got through the first couple of lines, but when I sang the lyrics, “my heart will sing your praise again,” I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Everything in me wanted to believe that I would sing God’s praise again, but it felt like I hadn’t been able to worship in so long. I felt God telling me to release everything to Him, and for the first time in months, I let the pain come out, and man, did it pour out. As the tears flowed, I felt months of hurt, sadness, disappointment, and fear come out. I felt like my heart was releasing everything that it had been holding onto. I sobbed and sang, and sobbed and sang. I looked like a raccoon at the end of the song, but I felt free for the first time in a really long time.

It’s the best feeling in the world when you feel Jesus come close, especially after long periods in spiritual deserts. And in that moment, I felt the Lord come and wrap His loving arms around me and hold me so close. My heart felt like it could finally breathe.

Keep me within your love

Since that moment, the Lord has been doing so much work in my heart and teaching me so many things. I have felt so many walls get released in my heart, and have found so much more freedom in that process. While it is still not easy for me to automatically turn to the Lord with my hurts, it is something that by God’s grace, is getting slightly more natural. When I feel my heart starting to hold something in, I ask God to help me release it to Him and to hold me while I let the hurt flow out.

James 4:8 Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.

Our God is a God of intimacy. He wants us to come close. We are His precious children, whom He dearly loves. He wants to hold us. He desires to heal our pain and hurt. He longs to love us. He wants nothing more than for us to find hope and healing in Him.

But God can’t heal our pain if we are determined to keep it all to ourselves. We must release our hurt and our pain to Him and let Him heal us. He can handle our hurt and he longs to do it. Let your heart walls down and let God move in close and hold your heart.

Your promise still stands, great is Your faithfulness

The Lord has also been teaching me a lot about holding fast onto His promises and clinging to Him. During the rough months, it felt like I was grasping at straws to make my heart feel better. I was putting expectations on people in my life to fix my pain and would get frustrated with myself when I couldn’t shake the tears away. It seemed like everything and everyone was failing me, and that made me feel resentful and angry towards everyone.

No human can be your lifesaver when you are drowning. No matter how wonderful of a human they are, they are simply not designed to keep you afloat.

Psalm 54:4 Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

While no human can pull us from floodwaters, the Lord surely can. The Lord is our sustainer. The Lord is our helper. The Lord is our lifeboat. When the waters overtake us, our only job is to cling onto Jesus and let Him pull us out of the flood. We are not meant to save ourselves. No matter how fast we swim, we will inevitably tire out from trying to save ourselves. The Lord will never tire. The Lord will never fail. Cling to Him, our hope and our safety, and let him save you.

I’ve seen you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again

It is easy to worship when you are in mountaintop seasons of life. It isn’t hard to remember the faithfulness of the Lord or all of the blessings He has given you when everything is smooth sailing in life. And while I love the mountaintops just as much as the next person, the truth is that life is full of valleys. And if we want enduring faith that isn’t shaken by the storms of life, we must learn to worship and believe the promises of God in the valleys.

It is easy to start doubting God’s goodness, faithfulness, and even His love in the valleys… How could God let this happen? Does God not hear my prayers? Where is God? Why isn’t He doing anything to make this better?… These are often our thoughts in the tough seasons, and if we aren’t careful, the enemy will use these to harden our hearts towards God and pull us away from Him.

But if we choose to go to God with our doubts and questions, and surrender them to Him with a worshipful heart, the outcome will be so different. God can handle our doubts, and God can even handle our anger and frustration towards Him. In fact, the best place to leave those feelings is at the feet of God. When we lay everything at His feet, we surrender it to Him, trusting that He is working even though it may not seem like it. We choose to continue to believe that He is our good, good Father who is working everything together for our good and His glory, even in the crummiest of life situations. We remember His promises, promises that He will never leave us or forsake us, and choose to believe that His character does not change even when our life circumstances do. We remember everything He has done for us in the past and wait for our deliverance to come again.

Waiting for change to come, knowing the battle’s won

The Lord never promised us a pain free life. In fact, He told us that we would have plenty of trials and lots of suffering in our lives. But as believers, we have a hope in the midst of chaos. We know that the ultimate battle has already been fought, and that the Lord has won. This gives our souls a reason to rejoice even in the lowest of valleys and it is one of our greatest gifts as children of God.

John 16:33

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Life is really hard sometimes, and if you are in a valley right now, I would encourage you to bring your pain before the Lord and let Him work in your pain. Cling tightly to the Lord and sing God’s promises to your heart. The Lord is always at work in our lives, whether we see it or not. He is our good, good father who desires to come close and hold us in our valleys. Let the Lord in and let Him love you like never before.